"Baby in Sync: The Emotionally Connected Baby” by Miranda Thorpe

Reviewed by Paul Schimmel

There is now a voluminous psychoanalytic literature about the emotional relationship that evolves between a mother and her baby, especially around the feeding relationship and the mother’s containment of her baby’s emotional needs, and also the baby’s emotional growth including how it might deal with unwanted emotional experience. By contrast not so much has been written about how the mother might deal with her baby’s physical excretory products and the impact of this on the baby’s developing psyche. Miranda Thorpe is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist resident in Auckland New Zealand, and a member of The New Zealand Institute of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, a member organisation of The Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Association of Australasia,    and her book is an attempt to address this relative paucity of literature, but it goes far beyond the dyadic focus to consider the societal impact of Western attitudes towards the babies physical waste products, and the environmental impact of these attitudes. In the tradition of infant observation her formulations are based on careful and detailed observation of practises in Western and other cultures.

The author adopts the term “Elimination Communication” which ‘is also known as “natural baby hygiene”. This is an indigenous and traditional method of toilet training a very young baby that humans world-wide have used for millennia.’ (pg 14) Her awareness of elimination communication was triggered in 2007 during a visit to Bali. ‘I noticed how mothers effortlessly managed the ablutions of their really young babies without using either disposable or cloth nappies (diapers).’ (pg 11) This management begins at birth. A fascinating chapter is devoted to this experience later in the book. When she returned to Bali five years later, she was shocked to observe the change that had taken place, with the rapid adoption of disposable nappies and the environmental pollution that was ensuing. At this point she ‘resolved to research’ the issues around different cultural approaches to toilet training. However, ‘The results of my research confirmed my concern that “Elimination Communication”, as used currently by the majority of the world, is a very rapidly dying art. People do not value it.’ (pg 12)

The author goes on to explain how “Elimination Communication” takes place. Importantly she observes that, ‘At no stage does the mother ever train the baby to “hold” till she takes the baby to wee. She is totally in sync with the baby’s natural rhythm and timing.’ (pg 15) Of course this requires the mother to have the time available to be with, and observant of, her baby. A common misunderstanding of this approach in the West is the assumption that there will be constant spills and messes. In reality, with an attuned mother or carer, these happen infrequently. In contrast ‘when potty training a two-year-old there can be lots of accidents and “misses” while he gets the hang of “undoing” all the conditioning of nappy use that has been forced upon him during the previous couple of years. After neglecting his body cues throughout his life, he is then suddenly expected to reorient himself entirely.’ (pg 25) The ‘whole issue is to make sure that the best is being done for the baby, but also for the mother. If the mother is happy, so is her baby.’ (pg 28)

This observation leads to reflection upon the emotional and psychological advantages of the method, and the author makes a convincing case, with examples, that these are considerable. The approach fosters and strengthens the mother-infant bond and a secure attachment style. The growing child also develops a stronger connection to his own body. The author conjectures that the ‘early experience of being closely held in mind by a mother in this way affects the child’s capacity for empathy and for what we call “Mentalization”. (pg 37) She points out that a baby is usually ‘exceptionally observant’ and describes an experience of observing a ‘young loving mother’ changing her babies nappy and ‘her expression upon seeing the faecal matter that her child had deposited in his nappy. She quite loudly and expressively, with her nose turned up, told the baby: “This is terribly smelly – it’s disgusting!” I’ll never forget the expression that crossed that baby’s face in that moment – it was definitely an expression betraying confusion and slight alarm.’ (pg 61) 

In a similar vein the author speculates about the deleterious psychological effects of a mother’s preoccupation with a mobile phone or other device: ‘Her eyes light up at a post, or a YouTube clip rather than with her baby.’ (pg 62)

There is a chapter addressing the environmental catastrophe that disposable nappies represent: ‘For example, it was calculated that on our planet on the 25th January 2012, there were 342 million disposable nappies used on that day alone. Yet on that date the worldwide use of disposables was only 21%.’ (pg 69) Apparently it takes at least 550 to 600 years for a disposable nappy to decompose in a landfill. There is also a critique of the potentially adverse effects of the chemicals contained in disposable nappies based on reputable research and published scientific articles.

The author concludes, ‘what dawned on me was I believed people would embrace a new practice much more readily if they understood that it was so much better for their baby at a psychological and emotional level.  Not that it was simply quicker and cheaper, and better environmentally for our planet. Of course, if it is better for the planet, it is better for the next generation, for posterity, and thus for our children. However, for parents to make the changes they need more evidence and convincing of the direct value to the child for a greater incentive in order to bother to learn a new skill.’ (pg 73)

The author also makes clear the book is not intended as a what you should do book, but as an invitation to a playful engagement with your baby.  It is a book worth reading.

Baby in Sync is available on Amazon or from the author Miranda Thorpe miranda.thorpe10@gmail.com